Puppetmaster’s Nazi administrative assistant (picture Seinfeld “Man Hands”) is responsible for two vital functions on the Island:  she is the official keeper of the department calendar, and is chief fund raiser of various gifts for our leader.  

The all-important calendar is where we record all vacations, off-property travels, and various appointments that preclude us being jailed in our cubes at different times.  Forgetting to indicate your planned absence on the calendar will result in audible Elder speculation, coupled with the dreaded “stink-eye” from Cankles upon your re-surfacing.  

We also have a very unique situation on the Island, where apparently the leader makes far less money than us minions, so Deranged Assistant takes it upon herself to blackmail crusade for extravagant birthday and Christmas presents for the Puppetmaster.  Whatever do you get a man who lacks for absolutely nothing?  The latest electronics and big wads of cash represented by handfuls of gift cards of course!  It is during these ‘drives’ that she reminds us of all of the wonderful things that he affords us – by God such decency should be rewarded!  What says “thanks for the employment” more than a $200 gift card to Home Depot?  We therefore place cash in her secret manila envelope – and always, always, while she is looking or else no credit is received – knowing full well that the second we exit her cube she will be checking to see what your contribution was.  If your deposit does not compare favorably to that of your peers, or if you failed to make one – even after the soliciting email had been dispatched countless times – then you will become a pariah and publicly crucified.  This is accomplished by exclaiming to those who have conformed “thanks for helping, not everyone cared as much to do so, I guess xxx is too busy”. 

Deranged Assistant also thinks it is very important that you are kept abreast of her various travels and activities.  She is also 100% certain that you care and are truly interested in her every endeavor, so she vigorously plies everyone with photo albums the second she returns.  I am enjoying a memory right now of her Grand Canyon hike!  All of the amazing pictures and their captions!  “Me with nameless strangers”, “Me by the burro”, “Me with many rocks” – I simply cannot wait for the next excursion so that I might continue to live vicariously through her adventuring self!  

Finally, Deranged Assistant is completely unselfish and knows that each of us are on the edge of our seats to learn her every thought and feeling.  Even the most minor things are not denied, so as she walks through the Island she thinks aloud:  “I’m cold”, “I’m hungry”, “Who has the Chinese food?”, or my favorite:  “These shoes are tight”.

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